Frequently Asked ENM Questions

A good place to start would be to consider the exchange of closeness, affection, sex, love.  

• What do you want from your partner(s)? 
• What do you need from your partner(s)? 
• What are you comfortable doing with multiple people? 
• What are you comfortable with your partner(s) doing? 
• What are your expectations from relationship(s)? 
• What brings you security in relationship(s)? 
• What do you desire from relationship(s)?
• How far on the relationship escalator do you want to ride with your partner(s)?

Once someone is able to answer and reflect on some questions regarding their expectations, wants, and needs from a relationship then the finding and the forming of those relationships can really happen. 

Some people feel that monogamy or non-monogamy is a choice, some believe it is an orientation you're born with. Regardless there are reasons why people are more drawn to it. It feels as though humans are instinctively capable of finding multiple people attractive. But finding someone attractive does not mean you’re jumping into bed with them or starting a relationship… Not everyone is capable or wanting to have numerous relationships/ connections. So, some people choose monogamy, while others feel the desire to expand their love or dynamics with various people. At the end of the day the relationship style that is practiced should be entirely up to you and how you want to have relationship(s).

Downsides:

• Fear
• Jealousy
• Complexity
• Physical Health Risks
• Social Judgment
• Being “Outed”
• Smaller Dating Pool
• Could get expensive

Perks: 

• A honest way to expand love and connection
• Diverse Need Satisfaction
• Added support
• Improved Relationship skills
• Sexual diversity
• Provides emotional freedom
• Compersion
• Personal Growth
• Expanded Opportunities
• Exploring Identity
• Sense of Community and Belonging 

“Non-Monogamous people never experience jealousy or feel insecure.”

WRONG. We feel it. It happens. ENM folk just don't shy away from it. They figure out their triggers, how to communicate their needs and boundaries effectively, they learn to be comfortable with the discomfort, they have strategies to deal with it instead of avoiding the emotions or feelings. 

"Non-Monogamous people are sex addicts! All they do is go to orgies. They will sleep with anyone!"

Well… Haha! Sometimes! But sometimes not. Just because you're non-monogamous doesn't mean you have a high sex drive, and it surely doesn't mean you’re an addict. Lot’s of non-monogamous folk do enjoy orgies… but not EVERY non-monogamous person does. Each relationship and dynamic is unique and their sex life (which really isn't your business) depends on the people involved!

“Non-Monogamy is just an excuse for cheating.”

Mmmm… No. Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) is built on the foundation of consent, clarity, and understanding. Prior to engaging in any sort of relationship or dynamic, communication around clear boundaries and agreements for all partners involved is standard. The idea behind CNM or Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is that all partners reach understanding around their connection and hopefully share some enthusiasm! “Cheating” or any action or activity that violates the agreements, boundaries or rules does happen in non-monogamous relationships, just as it does in monogamy… but cheating can look like different things for different people.

Non-Monogamous people don’t actually love their partners. If they loved them enough, they would never want to share them.

UGH. No. Real, true, authentic, love does exist for non-monogamous people! Just because someone is capable of being attracted to someone else, or is even capable of dating or sleeping with that person does not mean their love and care for another partner has stopped. It is possible to love someone enough and still share them with someone else who also enjoys their company. 

"Non-Monogamous relationships never last."

Relationship trajectory has nothing to do with the relationship style and has everything to do with the people involved. Some non-monogamous people are looking for long term relationships and some are not. The goal for longevity of the relationship is between those who are a part of it. Similar to a monogamous relationship, with the right effort, consistency, communication, respect, and investment a non-monogamous relationship can work out!